Silenced

The worst is feeling crazy.

Trying to share emotions, ideas, opinions - and having them fall like unappreciated autumn leaves upon a soggy ground that liquifies them to pulp, suggesting to the world that they were never alive. 

It'd be better for the wind to shred them on the way down, or for someone to step on them just to hear them crunch - then to be ignored, unappreciated and eventually turned to rot.

The are two kinds of silenced. The one where a person is forced into a physical silence. And the one where a person speaks and shares openly, only to never be listened to.

They both are anguishing, both leave a person feeling like less, and maybe just a little crazy.

The worst is feeling crazy.

The soggy ground of going unheard. The minimal acknowledgment. The changing of subject. The shutting down.

Silenced.

Cheating

Sometimes I break the rules.

There are times that I choose to eat the things that I know I shouldn't.

I do so because I want to feel normal.

Because whatever consequences come from eating what I'm allergic to seem to be small in comparison to how I feel when I can't eat that stuff.

So I choose to eat the chocolate bar, or the captain crunch - because then it's like I'm normal.

Then the reactions come and I feel sick. Sometimes I just deal with it. Other times I feel shameful for not taking care of my body, or just generally upset that I can't  eat "normally" without consequences.

I can't do this.

I tell myself not to mention it.

I hate whenever it escapes my lips, which is always.

My tone betrays me, everytime.

My voice sounds like bitterness, like my pain. I don't want everyone to know. I want to stay home & not be on display anymore.

I can take care of myself at home. 

But I'm too embarrassed to say I'm hungry other places. 

I don't know how to ask for help like I used to - because it's too raw right now.

I bring my own food when I can. But sometimes I can't. And sometimes I don't want to. It's embarrassing eating my own food. I feel excluded - which is frustrating, because I know people don't exclude me.

I want to talk about it, but not casually.

I want to sob and try and explain how it feels, and feel safe (not crazy) to do so.

And I want to see that the people that care about me hear me - that they are listening and loving.

I know that people genuinely care. I know my friends don't view me as a science project or a charity case - but right now I just can't do it.

I try and remember that people know I'm strong. I try to remember that I am strong. But right now I don't want to have to be.