There's always a thing about dads.

For years now we've simply existed near one another but anything than close.
Our interactions consisted of infrequent grunts of acknowledgement and the occasional polite conversation.
But recently that's been changing.

I've shown interest in the things he likes, the person he is - and have tried to become more involved.
In return, he's trying to do the same.
The last few weeks I've found myself somewhat comforted when he is near.
Which, believe me, is absolutely foreign.
I've made him laugh a few times, have shared some of my interests and opinions and even high-fived him once.
And while its still a whole lot of politeness - hidden there is some actual, real, there-is-something-there connection in our daily interactions.


So tonight was tough.
It was tough because he yelled at me like I was the one who was unreasonable.
Tough because in a few simple statements it was as though he was shaming me for anything I've ever been shamed by him for - without cause.
And tough because it wasn't possible to get past that angry exterior response to the tender interior of his heart - where we could communicate clearly, respectfully and in a sense of understanding and awe of one another's wholeness.
I think he'd find I could understand his opinion much better than he thinks - I wish he could communicate it without fear, and listen to my opinion without fear too.

But worse of all - tonight was tough because I felt like I'd lost that tiny bit of hidden connection. I lost the desire to be in the same room with him, to carry on small talk conversations with him. I lost hope that we could have a relationship. The "So much for that..." or "I knew it wouldn't last..." dampened the spark of hope within me.

Then I realized - I want a relationship with him. Not just the ideal him.
Yeah, I wish he could communicate. That he could understand himself. And then someday me.
I wish I could have the depth of relationship with him that I've found in others.
But really - this is our relationship, exactly how it is.
Part of it will be unhealthy. Part of it will be irrational and a little crazy-making. A lot of it may hurt.
But he's a man I've known my entire life - and just now I want to start to actually get to know him.
I wont let the crazy-making stop me.