Replay

I wonder when a visit back home will become just that.

For now its still that I'm overwhelmed by each drive back to that little town.

The route there is a rewind of my life and I can't help but watch the replay.

I'm now. I'm on the roads I drive all the time - with the friends I love, with the life I'm proud of.

Then I begin to by-pass the church. Something about driving past it, not to it, brings a wave of memories.

I think of how much has happened in the last three years. Has it only been three years?

It seems I've lived a lifetime since I first entered those doors.

I think of all the people I've loved and shared my life with, who have grown into different people now or the ones that I no longer know.

I think of all the happy times, and the laughter, as well as the devastating times.

All the hours I've spent there, the faith I've wrestled with there, and the love I've found there.

Though I know it is no longer my life there, anymore.

A little while down the road I drive past the year of my life that I can hardly remember. 

I lived there, but I can't remember the color of the house - or even the dog's name.

All I remember is darkness, fear and depression.

There is little to reminisce here.

Then the miles of evergreen. 

These remind me of an old friend, one that I've since lost.

But then our lives were intertwined, then we were close - and that was beautiful.

I remember her.

Once I get into town I can't  keep a timeline. 

How do you recall fourteen years of your life in the span of a few miles?

My mind wanders from memory to memory, emotion to emotion as I drive past the church I was raised in, and the homes I grew up in - until I arrive at my destination.

Today's destination proved similar to any other visit.

Straddling reality between the life I had, and the one I have now.

I feel such deep connection, but realize somehow that the connection is weak.

I've changed so much. And so have my opinions about the things I've experienced there, and the things I see happening there.

It seems my only tie to reality, my middle-ground, is in a friendship that doesn't make sense.

We've grown independently from each other over the last few years. 

We don't speak the same language.

But I've noticed we stand for the same things.

That is so beautiful to me.

I could try and share more, but working out even this much has given me a bloody nose.

It was such a very long day. A very long life. I don't understand how I'm not yet an old woman.

At some point I leave that little town again - and work my way back through my life story until I'm here, now. Living and breathing for this right now, and just a little more aware of how I got here.