I figure this process of peeling off the labels will get easier in time.

One of my favorite things to do: minutes before bed open up my back door and let the bitter wind rush in and chill my pillow and blankets. Then climb in and rewarm them up myself :)

I am not who I was. Its so hard to escape that. So hard to break free of the me people have known me as and believe me to still be. I am not who I once was. God is so much more loving and powerful than that.

I will continue to grow. I will continually to be proven fully in need of Christ. Nothing without Him.

My mistakes… oh, how they threaten to define me. My wounds, cut so deep, that are still so raw, God will make those scars beautiful.

Who am I? What does Jesus think of me? THAT is what matters. Not what others think of me. Not what I think of me. But who JESUS says I am.

So, Jesus, continue to reveal Your love to me. I want to know nothing but that of Your praises and this big love You have for us broken souls, for Your treasure.

Live redeemed. Not in order to become redeemed, but because you already are.

I've laughed a lot, today. That makes me want to simultaneously fist-pump & cry :)

My heart broke twice today...

[ONE] A man, who most obviously did not have a home, found refuge from the bitter cold at Safeway today. For most the evening he slept hunched over in a chair of the sitting area (side note: this very same sitting area had be occupied by our powerless community for the last few days as they also sought warmth, wifi, & a plug in to charge their phones.) He wasn’t disturbing, or even unsettling any customers, as I could tell. And he had the kindest of eyes, I noticed, while I saw him awake for a time. His situation moved me with concern, certainly, but this man’s situation is not what broke my heart. Rather, it was the reaction of coworkers and supervisors, those that I have grown to care for, that upset me. I caught wind of the plan just in time. Rage’s little sister masked in my diplomatic disposition stopped them twenty feet before they went to awake him and ask him to leave. For “he’s not allowed to be sleeping here.” I urged them to leave him be, and warned them of the exposure dangers he’d be facing if they made him leave. They conceded, thankfully. But there was something in their natural lack of compassion that struck me pained.

Aren’t we all a little like that sometimes? What if he were wearing a business suit, & fell asleep? Would he be asked to leave then? Perhaps, but I’m not sure he would.

To be completely honest, I don’t think I would have given this man much thought. Had it not been for Jesus, I may not have noticed HIM. A person. Jesus had been expressing to me today how much he cared for that man. How important this man was to Him. I needed to know how much Jesus cares for him, or I wouldn’t notice. I need to always be told that, about everyone. My coworkers, customers, those who seem to have it all together, and those who obviously don’t. I’m so thankful He told me that today.

[TWO] As I drove home, I had to slow as I noticed an animal crossing the dark empty road. As I approached, I saw it was a coyote. It was lost, and scared. That also broke my heart.

I love that Jesus is sweet. So sweet in all the littlest things...

I complain, too much. "Woe is me..." but man, He is sweet enough to show He cares about the simplist littlest things too.

I don't know why, but He treasures me. I can see He's fond of me in those sweet little moments.

"We are by no means a religious lot. On the contrary, we think the myth of a Christian religion is an incredible fallacy. We are a subversive movement of rebels and lovers with an insatiable desire to see the world’s wrongs righted, the world’s hungry fed, the world’s widows and orphans cared for and most of all to see that those with no joy and no love receive both to the point that their cup runs over. We believe that this is what Jesus is after, not unquestioning minions who conform to arbitrary rules and regulations, but a group of rescued lovers who are deeply loved and who love others."

I've been stuck. Stuck. Just plain stuck. For so long. 

My boots were buried so far in the mud I thought I'd never be released. 

But then, He mentioned - I don't really need those boots. In fact, I don't even like those boots anymore. They're ugly and they squish my toes. I'm just afraid I'd miss them anyways.

I started to pull my soggy feet free from those boots and the mud that had me stuck, but I'm still covered in mud. And its a long walk home. 

But I'm not alone, and He says He's got a garden hose and a pair of shiny new boots for me.

"How can I tell what I think till I see what I say?" E.M. Forster

Fear < Jesus

I think sometimes pain and fear cause us to curl up in a feral state of absence. Be as contradictory as that statement seems to be. Afraid to let anyone close, to inspect or heal our wounds, and distrusting all. At least, that's how I find it for myself. Survival by ignoring the pain until it slams me so absolute in the chest that I can no longer breathe, not realizing that all the while I wasn't breathing anyways. In that realization comes the feral lashing out, and then re-hibernation. I think by leaving it to time, or licking at my wounds by my own strength, that eventually, somehow, the pain will subside rather than overtake me. And instead of trusting the ultimate Healer to come in and heal me anew, I avoid His intimate touch and instead trust in myself - the very reason I'm afflicted by so much pain in the first place. I hold onto my pain with ferocity, matched and defeated only by the ferocity of His jealousy for me. Pain sucks, but fear intensifies it beyond anything but the love of Jesus can refute.