Part-time Zen Master

Tonight at work things went from flowing very smoothly where we were super slow - to absolute chaos.
Both of our registers stopped working at the same time (for various reasons) right during our peak hour - when the lobby was full and the line long. I was working with two people who are still training - both very capable, just not yet completely comfortable, of course.
This was a high stress situation. One of the most extreme I've faced at work so far.
Yet, I was absolutely calm. I didn't panic in the slightest. I wasn't overwhelmed at all.
When the craze was over I was so impressed and shocked with myself.
It was wonderful. I was a zen master for that entire half hour or so.

A customer and his four-ish year-old daughter were there during the chaos.
He'd been watching me for quite some time, but I honestly interpreted it as he could see how ridiculous the situation was and perhaps he was impressed by my zen, too.
Then - he said, "I know you're really busy, but would you mind taking a picture of us?"
I'm thinking, "sure, not a problem."
Then am swept away to another emergency before I can respond to his request.
When I finally get back to him, and before I know it - he hands his phone to his daughter, stands next to me and has her snapping a photo of... him and I together...? What the hell.
He then preceded to spend the next hour sitting at the counter, trying to catch my attention by loudly tickling his daughter and asking me questions.
I did my best to ignore him, but I still had to step into the back a few times to regain my composure.
I managed not to actually cry - which was a big deal in itself. And probably was only possible because I'm friends with a person I was working with & I felt supported by him.
I was still shaken up after the customer left.
Which left me incredibly frustrated.

How is it that I can be a zen master through uncommonly high-stress situations and yet want to curl up, hide in a corner and cry when a person treats me like, well... like they do all the time.

Someday I'll be able to be a zen master in both situations.

Denny's

I really am so interested in him.
I love hearing about his weekend plans.
Seeing pictures of his dog.
Hearing his stories about life and childhood.
Or empathizing with his double-shifts.
Its a true pleasure to be able to give him a little extra each night, just because I can.

I hope talking with us makes as much a difference to him as talking to him does to me.
He's such a great guy.

Slow and Steady

I'm completely awed by the little community I'm privileged to be a part of.

The love, acceptance and understanding reaches a rare depth - one I am ever thankful for.
Most do not know the pain I've experienced, and I am not aware of theirs either.
But I do know that I wouldn't have made it through the times I have without their support.
My weakest, darkest moments couldn't have been conquered without knowing they believe in me.
We laugh together, hurt together, wonder together and love together.
I know of nothing more meaningful to me. It is beauty in its most raw form.

Often I cry after spending time with them. Cry because its beautiful, they're beautiful, and because I am beautiful. Cry because of the things I know they're going through. Cry because I hurt - and spending time with them gives me the strength to finally face those pains.

We're all a bit jagged. We bump into each other's soar spots, we have off nights - but we genuinely care about one another and care about learning how to show it. I love the moments when I can listen and share life with them. When I can connect deeply to them.

I'm still afraid. And I know some of them are too.
But the beauty helps heal the hurt and drive away the fear.

Thank you.

A note for the past.

What you knew of me was true. 

The love I expressed to you was real.

I believe that of you, too.

Each of you.

I wish we'd never hurt.

I believe in healing.

Our lives will move forward into new beauty, just not together like we'd once hoped.

You're beautiful. Really.

So am I.

Biscuit-happy.

I forget how easily I can gauge my mental health & satisfaction in life based on my interest and satisfaction in food.

I'm turning into a foodie again, finally. This is a good sign. 

It's a brave endeavor - fighting fear and shame with love.

A deep sadness.

Over two years ago I heard a rape joke made at the expense of someone I care about - and all women, really.

It's plagued me since - and as of late the horror from that moment only seems to intensify.

I often wonder if it plagues her too.

It really was a good day.

I was really disappointed by some things yesterday.

I had high hopes, and was excited for the lesson I had prepared - but I became overwhelmed and unfocused so I came out... messy. I had been in my brain for days, processing and thinking and going the kind of crazy I get sometimes - only to have all of that come up and spill onto my friends before and after the Underground, and onto everyone during the Underground. I don't like when I let that kind of crazy have control, so I focused on trying to listen and trying to sit quietly  rather than share. I didn't do that well, which was also disappointing - but I'm learning!

It took me a while to recover from the disappointment of the day but these are the things that helped me do that:

- sitting outside on a blanket in the sun next to a really good friend, thinking and writing - and listening to calming music.

- a hug from a friend I saw for only a moment or so.

- the excitement & relief I felt for a friend who's been eating wheat this past week like the plant is going extinct or something (and NOT getting sick from it!)

- hearing of a friend telling a coworker to f-off. BEST. STORY. EVER. Go empowerment.

- feeding said empowered friend random food from my kitchen.

- my outfit - it was ridiculously cute. And absolutely not planned. 

- getting to have a really cool conversation with someone I've known for a while, but don't know well - it was interesting getting to share about how our brains work differently & what we think about the church.

- "well here's the thing..." statements that make me teary-eyed.

- nerdy puns that make my laughter come out in snorts.

- and a few more present-moment peace-givers.

I really had a great day.

Nap time.

Sometimes I'm tired.
I'm tired of being cat-called.
I'm tired of being observed only for my potential to meet a standard.
I'm tired of hearing ridiculous statements like "sexism doesn't exist."
I'm tired of having to tell myself my worth in a culture that says its in something else.
I'm tired of having to fight for myself.

Sometimes I wonder if things were better when I believed all the lies.
When I let others lead, let others protect.
When I allowed others to determine my worth.
When I didn't believe I could trust myself.

Then I just get mad, because I know how horrible that was, too.
And how much I'm here to fight for others, not just myself.
But I wish I didn't have to.
And its so discouraging to hear that I'm not the one with the power to most effectively change things.

It's Complicated.

One of my favorite and most frequent "day-off" activities is to spend hours in the kitchen. Usually soon after rolling out of bed I'll walk into the kitchen, cook a lovely breakfast and then spend the next few hours either cooking more food or prepping the vegetables and other new groceries for easier use throughout the week.
Today I was peeling and cutting vegetables for this week's stock of vegetable stock (yes, that was on purpose) and was practicing mindfulness as I did so.
I realized how much peace and joy I find when I'm working with fresh foods and then wondered how it could make me so happy to end the life of something (I was feeling a bit bad for the celery).
That led me to wonder how much food I've consumed over my life time - how many vegetables and other resources were taken from their form and added to mine.

My thought process may have seemed strange - but really, the depth to which everything is interconnected is so mind-blowing.
Its odd to me that we think we're at all individual. Perplexing that we don't recognize how much we're influenced, one with and sustained by the things around us.
Our culture is so individualistic, as though the environments we're in are not major factors - this makes no sense. All life is interconnected.

I've been researching human reproduction systems and from the very beginning we're entirely dependent on other life for our own. This doesn't stop upon exit of the womb.

Heated Discussion Melts Yogurt, FroYo Place Forced to Rename Product "Warm Smoothies"

Four hours after our heated half-hour "discussion," and I still don't know what the hell happened.
At first I was certain this was a misstep in my plight to be a pacifist.
Then I realized boundary-setting and attempts at communication do not negate pacifism.
Though, I've not raised my voice so sternly in years - I honestly can't remember the last time.
Lets just say the "attempt" to communicate was thwarted (and I'm pretty good at communicating, and pretty decent at interpreting what others are communicating) - but I left only understanding, well, nothing.
Perhaps I now understand that instability is certain, when it comes to my interactions with him.
I now remember what its like to fight to be heard, and still be certain I was not heard.
I yet again understand how it feels to be treated like a child, like a liar and as though I'm irrational.
and I still know that I have no idea what happened or what goes through his mind.

It didn't help that the entire conversation was littered with sexist comments.
No, sir - men don't think frozen yogurt is gay.
And thanks but no thanks, I can protect myself.

Nor did it help that he thought everyone but him was focused on the wrong thing - and soon to run the store into the ground.

But, as he so clearly reminded me - he is a minister. I'm glad he let me know that I just need to get that through my head. Its there. Trust me.

I eventually let the conversation sizzle out. And by sizzle out I mean die out painfully slowly - as he nonsensically rambled bullshit for another five minutes while I just stared blankly at him.

This insanity was immediately followed by my exit of the store, bursting into tears and exclaiming fuck more times than I have in the last six months.
Fortunately, the most lovely of friends were paying me a visit. They joined me outside, hugged me, and let me yell. I needed that.

Of course - when I returned from my "break" he apologized for being a jerk and said from now on he would only listen. Then continued the night having pleasant to normal conversation.
WHAT? I don't even know.

My store manager was also on duty, even though I was running the shift. It was helpful - because she witnessed the situation and even enforced that he follow me into the back so I could address the situation. She's supportive of me, which I really really appreciate.
Unfortunately, she ended up saying something almost worse than his & I's conversation.
Once I left the store she told him that he needed to become a better listener because he hadn't been listening to me at all. When he protested a little bit she explained to him, "Sometimes girls just need to explain. You may not understand, but she needed to talk through it and so you needed to listen."

LOVELY.