There was once this woman that I hated.
I hated her because she reminded me of everything bad anyone has ever impressed upon the understanding I had of myself. Because she took part in hating me. It may not have been personal to her, but it was very personal to me.
I tried to act calm & confident around her. But really, I was a tense insecure mess. We were awkward, super competitive and with had an odd air of dislike.
And really, I'm not sure why. We would have a lot in common. I'm not even sure if she knows who I am. But somehow we were threatening to one another.
Recently that changed.
The last exchange was so terrible for me that I decided I was done feeling threatened. I decided to view her empathetically, as in actually a whole person that I don't have the pleasure of knowing well. I decided that there didn't need to be anything negative between us, that I could be safe on my own.
It worked.
I've been able to view her regularly without tension. Only sometimes do the negative reactions pop up. And when I see her I don't feel threatened often.
Tonight, I saw her. She ignored me, and I didn't really even notice. I didn't feel anything, everything was fine.
Then I saw some other people. Some people that made me feel everything that seeing her used to bring up for me, and more.
They ignored me. Walked right past, squeezed down the same hallway, and it was as if I didn't exist.
I looked them squarely in the face. Trying to express that I had no need to feel shame, trying to retaliate against those feelings.
And I was angry they ignored me. Because what I experienced with them was so monumental to my life, so painful & they're able to go on as if I never mattered. As if they don't even know me. Well, they don't, do they?
I felt tense. And I felt insecure. And all panicky inside. Not to mention super threatened and competitive.
And I guess I'm kind of wondering if I could write the same story that I did for the woman. If I could resolve the ways that I feel when I run into them or think of them, rather than just let it happen.
I wish I could still face all those people regularly, so I could experience those feelings & need to learn to process them more healthily. But I also hate experiencing all those feelings. It's so hard. So I'm also glad I don't see them anymore.
I'm the author of my own story, here.
