Losing battle.

My body is like an angsty teenager - I'm doing everything I can to take care of it, but it hates me - and I despise it.

I despise it because it makes me feel weak. Broken and feable. Because people feel bad for me. And because other people have no empathy or no understanding. Because I can't do normal things - like go out to eat or to a holiday dinner without complications.

And I can't ever escape it. I can't leave my responsibilities with a babysitter for the night.

It took me a few years to accept my body for what it is. It was a long time before I stopped needing to quietly excuse myself to restaurant bathrooms to cry alone. A long time before I could stop viewing myself as inflicted, and instead became responsible. 

But now my body is waging a new war. New allergies - that complicate everything so much more. And the weighty fear that this may never end. 

My body doesn't rationalize, or empathize. It doesn't pay attention to what products are available, or what my budget is like - or to how everyone around me eats. It doesn't care if I do everything I can to feed it properly - it's still going to keep on fighting me.

But to war with ones own body? Who gets hurt? 

I want to rebel, fight back & stubbornly take a stand - "I refuse to be allergic to that."

Then what? I get the headaches. I'm the one with a stomach-ache. The one who deals with the inflammation like wildfire throughout my joints and muscles - the sleepless nights, the chronic pain.

Oh yeah, I sure showed me.

And damn it, I'm too self-aware to stay in denial. And I either 1) value myself too much to treat my body horribly or 2) have too much health shame to do what I know is bad for it. Maybe it's both, or whatever fits the bill for the day.

It doesn't matter how responsible I am - my body will continue to fight back. 

I guess it's time to relearn that this can be used as an opportunity to empower myself. 

For tonight, fuck you body.

The clothing department.

Our society is absolutely obsessed with women's bodies, most specifically our weight.

I've had my own struggles with weight obsession, but really, really - I've come out alright.

Not to mention, I'm pretty privileged in this area - as I am slender.

Still though, I will choose not to wear an outfit if I feel like it causes me to look heavier than I am. Something in me wanted people to know that I am slim.

There is this picture. It's of some famous musician, a man - wearing an evening gown & holding a purse. It's captioned by quote - he says he's not ashamed to dress as a woman because he doesn't find being a woman a shameful thing.

I appreciate that. A lot.

Then I realized, I don't think it is or should be a shameful thing to be any size or weight. I believe society is wrong to put more value and give more opportunity to individuals who are thinner. 

So, I don't care any longer if an outfit makes me look larger. I'm not ashamed to appear heavier, because I don't think being heavier is a shameful thing.