Growing Up

I love that my brother & I can still make each other laugh.

Tonight I had dinner with a majority of my extended family. My brother, his girlfriend Tara & I sat off to ourselves & were laughing so loud it was disturbing the others.

I took a moment to wonder what that would look like to, say, my grandparents, or my mom.

They knew us as little kids, they watched us grow - and worried about how we would turn out.

I guess we turned out pretty well.

I hope someone in my family was emotional about that, I know that at least I was.

And the Feminist-Mom-Award goes to...

My mom is probably like the best mom out there.

Today she casually asked if I was having sex.

See, most parents would ask that because:
1) they are shaming their kids,
2) to make sure their kids aren't,
and 3) to have control over their kids.

My mom asked because:
1) she wanted to make sure I know that just one form of birth control is not enough, but that both the pill AND a condom should be used,
2) that medical exams are always a good idea, even without prior sexual history,
3) she was just curious since I'm an adult, dating an adult.

Ha, well - it took me a few moments to not shame-defense that conversation. *Awkward* - but not really. She's great.

Rape Culture, you suck.

Some people would say that what happened to me wasn't a big deal.

That I am wrong to believe I was sexually violated.

That the residual effects & anxieties aren't valid.

And that it's unfair to "him" that I say he violated me.

Well, fuck them. Fuck those opinions.

Not Buying It

I've always been told there is something wrong with me.

That my independence was unnatural.

My adversion to the "dating-game" a fault.

My strength - only a hard protective shell for a fragile and frightened heart. 

They said that I needed to lighten up, loosen up & become helpless and dependent.

I was supposed to yearn, crave, cry, hunt and attract.

Marriage was to be my greatest dream.

A happily-ever-after my dearest hope.

When it wasn't, I was told I was unhealthy and often people attempted to fix me.

I was assured that I was the total package. Looks, brains & heart. "You're just what any guy would want." But I detested that.

I was always told that the way I felt about those things was wrong.

But you know what?

It wasn't. It isn't.

I'm not the total package. I'm not a package at all, I'm a person.

Indepence and strength are qualities I have, they're beautiful and healthy and I love them.

I'm not bigs into playing games or dancing in triangles - the fair share I've done proved sick & twisted. I find no problem with an adversion to that.

I'm not helpless. In no way am I helpless - you can't convince me I should be otherwise.

There is nothing wrong with not participating in systemic oppression. There is nothing wrong about not buying into the lies.

There is certainly nothing wrong with having higher expectations for my life - mutuality, respect, appreciation, autonomy, and intimacy.

And there is certainly nothing wrong with me.

Suffer silently

no more.

I can't express with words what's it's like to have friends who listen.

Who don't doubt.

Who understand.

Who support.

Who empathize.

"I'm not okay with that. You're so strong."

"I wondered if that was hard for you."

I feel like I can breathe.

I don't have to fight to be heard.

I'm not used to that.

Conflict

I'm still afraid people won't ever view me as more than something to be owned. So afraid that sometimes it's me who's got the awful view, not just them.