I still cry when I'm alone because I miss them, I never wanted any of that.

You're Blind.

When I express anything related to social justice or the empowerment of women on public forum, the only people who have ever lash out are the very women who were the strong leaders in my life during adolescence. I find that ironic.
And fucking irritating.

I'm not trying to personalize the things that they do, but unfortunately that's hard to do because...
I grew up with them talking about their past youth that are now such disappointments to them - for various reasons.
I grew up with them using shame-tactics to control me into being who they thought I should be.
And I grew up believing that their opinion mattered more than just about anyone else.

So yeah, I take it personally when they all jump in defensively to respond to posts that I post.
I take it personally when I share something that I view is important, one person responds disapprovingly - and the rest of them all "like" that person's comment.
I take it personally enough that it takes a whole lot of courage every time I post anything that is not 100% agreeable and mild. And I don't post often.

I imagine the conversations they have about me. While, they may not happen - the reality is, I've sat in on those conversations about other people for years. About how they're wrong or bad or misguided or enemy.

And it hurts thinking that they're labeling me those things. That they don't take the time to understand how I could possibly have come to the place that I am. How I could possibly have some credibility. Instead I'm just too far gone to them. They can't see me anymore, they just see enemy, or misguided child.

But what's most upsetting of all is that every single disapproving comment or "like" of a disapproving comment towards my posts is saying,

Get back in line.
Be meek.
Be silent.

But guess what? I can't do any of those things anymore. Not ever.

I am STRONG and LOUD and I will never stand in line again; because I am FREE.

Ring Master

I'm not fooled.

"Family dinner" - a guise.

Really, it's a circus.

We're putting on a show, 

it looks flashy & good.

But really you're just ripping the teeth out of every tiger, anyone who could pose a threat.

You're starving everyone, or feeding us rotten meat.

You make us perform - for your own gain, if we fight back, you always win.

If we refuse you convince us that we're nothing without you. 

But really, you're just nothing without us.

I'm not here for you anymore. I'm so much more than your circus act.

Responses

I had a really really really terrible day yesterday. 

As soon as I arrived at Lucas's house he ran up & gave me the biggest, warmest, & longest excited hug ever.

I felt really supported.

Thanks.

Past Faces Dimly Lit

There was once this woman that I hated. 

I hated her because she reminded me of everything bad anyone has ever impressed upon the understanding I had of myself. Because she took part in hating me. It may not have been personal to her, but it was very personal to me.

I tried to act calm & confident around her. But really, I was a tense insecure mess. We were awkward, super competitive and with had an odd air of dislike.

And really, I'm not sure why. We would have a lot in common. I'm not even sure if she knows who I am. But somehow we were threatening to one another.

Recently that changed.

The last exchange was so terrible for me that I decided I was done feeling threatened. I decided to view her empathetically, as in actually a whole person that I don't have the pleasure of knowing well. I decided that there didn't need to be anything negative between us, that I could be safe on my own.

It worked.

I've been able to view her regularly without tension. Only sometimes do the negative reactions pop up. And when I see her I don't feel threatened often.

Tonight, I saw her. She ignored me, and I didn't really even notice. I didn't feel anything, everything was fine.

Then I saw some other people. Some people that made me feel everything that seeing her used to bring up for me, and more. 

They ignored me. Walked right past, squeezed down the same hallway, and it was as if I didn't exist.

I looked them squarely in the face. Trying to express that I had no need to feel shame, trying to retaliate against those feelings.

And I was angry they ignored me. Because what I experienced with them was so monumental to my life, so painful & they're able to go on as if I never mattered. As if they don't even know me. Well, they don't, do they?

I felt tense. And I felt insecure. And all panicky inside. Not to mention super threatened and competitive.

And I guess I'm kind of wondering if I could write the same story that I did for the woman. If I could resolve the ways that I feel when I run into them or think of them, rather than just let it happen.

I wish I could still face all those people regularly, so I could experience those feelings & need to learn to process them more healthily. But I also hate experiencing all those feelings. It's so hard. So I'm also glad I don't see them anymore.

I'm the author of my own story, here.

I remember trying to show support for Brooke by cutting off my hair, she thought it looked ugly and said she wished I hadn't have done it.

Silenced

The worst is feeling crazy.

Trying to share emotions, ideas, opinions - and having them fall like unappreciated autumn leaves upon a soggy ground that liquifies them to pulp, suggesting to the world that they were never alive. 

It'd be better for the wind to shred them on the way down, or for someone to step on them just to hear them crunch - then to be ignored, unappreciated and eventually turned to rot.

The are two kinds of silenced. The one where a person is forced into a physical silence. And the one where a person speaks and shares openly, only to never be listened to.

They both are anguishing, both leave a person feeling like less, and maybe just a little crazy.

The worst is feeling crazy.

The soggy ground of going unheard. The minimal acknowledgment. The changing of subject. The shutting down.

Silenced.